Just in case someone should click through to this blog, I wanted to put this information here. If you are a GLBTQ youth who needs help, there is the Trevor Project hotline at 866-4-U-TREVOR (488-7386). For everyone to use there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifelife at 800-273-TALK (8255)/800-SUICIDE (784-2433). Hold on and get help. You are worth the fight!

Prop 8 is history!

Prop 8 was ruled unconstitutional today!!! I just wanted to write that out, to really see it because I still cannot believe it! I am beyond thrilled!

"Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians ... and to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior ... the Constitution simply does not allow for 'laws of this sort.'"

-9th Circuit Court of Appeals

Tempus Fugit

Feeling too lazy to check if I spelled "Tempus Fugit" correctly but time does indeed fly. I cannot believe it's been nearly a year since I wrote a post here!

Still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Leaning towards high school English teacher. In therapy and glad of it.

More later. Maybe!

Please tell me

Please tell me why these two men do not deserve their civil wedding?

"...Californians Ed Watson and Derence Kernik have been together for 40 years, but Ed has been been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and the couple is desperately hoping to marry while he can still recognize Derence."

Explaining it, Part III

"The glass is already broken." I recently read that quote and am quite taken with it. Here is the whole quotation:

“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”- Mark Epstein, Thoughts Without a Thinker

I struggle with anxiety, enough so that I take medication for it. Having a spouse who flew helicopters in the Marine Corps didn't help, as all parents know having a child does not help with worry either. At certain points, my fear that I will lose these precious beings, or I will be lost, prevents me from fully living with them, deeply enjoying them here and now.

But if the glass is already broken, if I accept that I will lose everything someday, then what is there to fear? It's already done and all that is left is the beautiful now.

No, wait, this explains it

My minor surgery? Not so minor. Turns out I have Stage IV endometriosis. The crippling back pain? That's the end result of interior body parts sticking to each other and then to my pelvic wall. Surgery was a week ago and my back has not felt this good in years. I can think without that constant hum of discomfort.

The bad news is that now I need to make a decision fairly soon about what treatments to have next but, hey, have I mentioned my back and how awesome it feels?

The best part of my treatment plan so far was looking up my new medication and finding this,
"...used to treat chronic adrenal disease in ferrets."

Now that is reassuring.

Oh, so that explains it.

I was moaning to my husband my usual litany these days; missing my kid, my back, missing various other peeps, no job, an upcoming surgery (minor), what do I want to be when I grow up and so on. But what I was really harping on was my job prospects (of which there are currently none.)

I am 41. Who does not know what they want to be when they grow up by age 41? I have ideas, but nothing sticks. I tried teaching thinking that would be "it" but, oh boy, was it not "it." Nothing sounds good, nothing sounds possible, nothing sounds plausible.

Finally he interrupted my tale of woe to remind me of a truth, "You've had the job you wanted but he's moved away to college. You want that job back but it's not coming back and I know that's hard for you."

The truth may set you free but it most often makes me cry. So I cried.

I did love being an at-home mom. I loved it. I never did catch onto keeping the house clean enough or meals on the table at certain times; but I loved the endless days of watching my son unfold. Years after I assumed I'd be back at work, we were homeschooling instead. Then he started high school and while my intentions were good, I could not resist being there when he needed me.

Let me take a break to say how incredibly lucky we were, we are, to be able to run our household on one salary. My husband recently retired from the military, so we had excellent benefits to boot. I got so much more time with my kid than most people get and, for that, I am truly thankful.

I also want to say that there is nothing wrong with both parent working or a single parent working and not just because they need the money but because they want too. Not everyone is equally matched to every job and being an at-home parent is a job. It just happened to be something I felt very well matched too.

There is too much residual pain left to care for other people's small children. I want those children to be mine! I used to think that infertility was something I would come to terms with, now I think it's something where the terms keep changing and that is extremely annoying...not to mention heartbreaking.

I liked who I was, what I did with my days. I want to be that woman again but I cannot. What am I going to do now?