I'm struggling.
I hate that. Oh, how I hate it. Can I not just get to the "ah-ha" part? The moment when I realize I've gotten unstuck? I realize I am a deeply flawed person but I've had it with the personal growth. Can't I just stay stuck and feel okay with it?
The answer so far is, "no." No, I cannot feel okay with being stuck. This is a very flawed system as far as I am concerned.
I thought I was ready...only child leaving the nest? Check. Said child starting college? Check. Husband retiring from the military (finally!)? Check. Husband starting new job and doctoral program. Check and check.
Whoops, seems like I forgot about someone in all the chaos of the past year. I started the journey to become a teacher and decided against it. I thought my BS was done only to find out I had four credits to go. I was trying to enjoy the empty nest when my back when out in a way that can only be described as "spectacular." You know it's not good when your doctors think your case is "interesting."
So I've been slowed down. Literally sent back to the crawling stage at first, then floating, then walking; I quite literally evolved in my physical being once again. Now comes the main event; Trying to figure out what is next, with a capital "N". Next. Which I thought I was done with last year. Isn't there a map around here somewhere? No. No, there is not.
I'm slogging through these last four credits on-line. I'm paddling around the gym pool. I'm trying to get my mind to settle, to rest but it's just a constant, "what's next? where are we going? are we close?" up there.
How do you get comfortable with discomfort? Damned if I know.
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2 comments:
I read one of your comments on cjane's blog and I liked what you had to say. I am the momma of four daughters ages 16, 18, 21, and 23. I am in the long, arduous process of watching my chicks leave the nest. I have done it a couple of times now, with a couple more to go. It gets easier, but it isn't easy!
Getting comfortable with discomfort...Seems to be a fairly "normal" state for moms who are moving on to the next stage of flight in their own lives:)
I wish you luck. And clarity, lots of clarity.
Thank you for the kind words, Debra. It means a lot to hear from a Mom whose "been there, done that" and is still doing it.
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