Please tell me

Please tell me why these two men do not deserve their civil wedding?

"...Californians Ed Watson and Derence Kernik have been together for 40 years, but Ed has been been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and the couple is desperately hoping to marry while he can still recognize Derence."

Explaining it, Part III

"The glass is already broken." I recently read that quote and am quite taken with it. Here is the whole quotation:

“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”- Mark Epstein, Thoughts Without a Thinker

I struggle with anxiety, enough so that I take medication for it. Having a spouse who flew helicopters in the Marine Corps didn't help, as all parents know having a child does not help with worry either. At certain points, my fear that I will lose these precious beings, or I will be lost, prevents me from fully living with them, deeply enjoying them here and now.

But if the glass is already broken, if I accept that I will lose everything someday, then what is there to fear? It's already done and all that is left is the beautiful now.

No, wait, this explains it

My minor surgery? Not so minor. Turns out I have Stage IV endometriosis. The crippling back pain? That's the end result of interior body parts sticking to each other and then to my pelvic wall. Surgery was a week ago and my back has not felt this good in years. I can think without that constant hum of discomfort.

The bad news is that now I need to make a decision fairly soon about what treatments to have next but, hey, have I mentioned my back and how awesome it feels?

The best part of my treatment plan so far was looking up my new medication and finding this,
"...used to treat chronic adrenal disease in ferrets."

Now that is reassuring.

Oh, so that explains it.

I was moaning to my husband my usual litany these days; missing my kid, my back, missing various other peeps, no job, an upcoming surgery (minor), what do I want to be when I grow up and so on. But what I was really harping on was my job prospects (of which there are currently none.)

I am 41. Who does not know what they want to be when they grow up by age 41? I have ideas, but nothing sticks. I tried teaching thinking that would be "it" but, oh boy, was it not "it." Nothing sounds good, nothing sounds possible, nothing sounds plausible.

Finally he interrupted my tale of woe to remind me of a truth, "You've had the job you wanted but he's moved away to college. You want that job back but it's not coming back and I know that's hard for you."

The truth may set you free but it most often makes me cry. So I cried.

I did love being an at-home mom. I loved it. I never did catch onto keeping the house clean enough or meals on the table at certain times; but I loved the endless days of watching my son unfold. Years after I assumed I'd be back at work, we were homeschooling instead. Then he started high school and while my intentions were good, I could not resist being there when he needed me.

Let me take a break to say how incredibly lucky we were, we are, to be able to run our household on one salary. My husband recently retired from the military, so we had excellent benefits to boot. I got so much more time with my kid than most people get and, for that, I am truly thankful.

I also want to say that there is nothing wrong with both parent working or a single parent working and not just because they need the money but because they want too. Not everyone is equally matched to every job and being an at-home parent is a job. It just happened to be something I felt very well matched too.

There is too much residual pain left to care for other people's small children. I want those children to be mine! I used to think that infertility was something I would come to terms with, now I think it's something where the terms keep changing and that is extremely annoying...not to mention heartbreaking.

I liked who I was, what I did with my days. I want to be that woman again but I cannot. What am I going to do now?

This Hell is not so fresh anymore.

I'm struggling.

I hate that. Oh, how I hate it. Can I not just get to the "ah-ha" part? The moment when I realize I've gotten unstuck? I realize I am a deeply flawed person but I've had it with the personal growth. Can't I just stay stuck and feel okay with it?

The answer so far is, "no." No, I cannot feel okay with being stuck. This is a very flawed system as far as I am concerned.

I thought I was ready...only child leaving the nest? Check. Said child starting college? Check. Husband retiring from the military (finally!)? Check. Husband starting new job and doctoral program. Check and check.

Whoops, seems like I forgot about someone in all the chaos of the past year. I started the journey to become a teacher and decided against it. I thought my BS was done only to find out I had four credits to go. I was trying to enjoy the empty nest when my back when out in a way that can only be described as "spectacular." You know it's not good when your doctors think your case is "interesting."

So I've been slowed down. Literally sent back to the crawling stage at first, then floating, then walking; I quite literally evolved in my physical being once again. Now comes the main event; Trying to figure out what is next, with a capital "N". Next. Which I thought I was done with last year. Isn't there a map around here somewhere? No. No, there is not.

I'm slogging through these last four credits on-line. I'm paddling around the gym pool. I'm trying to get my mind to settle, to rest but it's just a constant, "what's next? where are we going? are we close?" up there.

How do you get comfortable with discomfort? Damned if I know.