No, wait, this explains it

My minor surgery? Not so minor. Turns out I have Stage IV endometriosis. The crippling back pain? That's the end result of interior body parts sticking to each other and then to my pelvic wall. Surgery was a week ago and my back has not felt this good in years. I can think without that constant hum of discomfort.

The bad news is that now I need to make a decision fairly soon about what treatments to have next but, hey, have I mentioned my back and how awesome it feels?

The best part of my treatment plan so far was looking up my new medication and finding this,
"...used to treat chronic adrenal disease in ferrets."

Now that is reassuring.

Oh, so that explains it.

I was moaning to my husband my usual litany these days; missing my kid, my back, missing various other peeps, no job, an upcoming surgery (minor), what do I want to be when I grow up and so on. But what I was really harping on was my job prospects (of which there are currently none.)

I am 41. Who does not know what they want to be when they grow up by age 41? I have ideas, but nothing sticks. I tried teaching thinking that would be "it" but, oh boy, was it not "it." Nothing sounds good, nothing sounds possible, nothing sounds plausible.

Finally he interrupted my tale of woe to remind me of a truth, "You've had the job you wanted but he's moved away to college. You want that job back but it's not coming back and I know that's hard for you."

The truth may set you free but it most often makes me cry. So I cried.

I did love being an at-home mom. I loved it. I never did catch onto keeping the house clean enough or meals on the table at certain times; but I loved the endless days of watching my son unfold. Years after I assumed I'd be back at work, we were homeschooling instead. Then he started high school and while my intentions were good, I could not resist being there when he needed me.

Let me take a break to say how incredibly lucky we were, we are, to be able to run our household on one salary. My husband recently retired from the military, so we had excellent benefits to boot. I got so much more time with my kid than most people get and, for that, I am truly thankful.

I also want to say that there is nothing wrong with both parent working or a single parent working and not just because they need the money but because they want too. Not everyone is equally matched to every job and being an at-home parent is a job. It just happened to be something I felt very well matched too.

There is too much residual pain left to care for other people's small children. I want those children to be mine! I used to think that infertility was something I would come to terms with, now I think it's something where the terms keep changing and that is extremely annoying...not to mention heartbreaking.

I liked who I was, what I did with my days. I want to be that woman again but I cannot. What am I going to do now?

This Hell is not so fresh anymore.

I'm struggling.

I hate that. Oh, how I hate it. Can I not just get to the "ah-ha" part? The moment when I realize I've gotten unstuck? I realize I am a deeply flawed person but I've had it with the personal growth. Can't I just stay stuck and feel okay with it?

The answer so far is, "no." No, I cannot feel okay with being stuck. This is a very flawed system as far as I am concerned.

I thought I was ready...only child leaving the nest? Check. Said child starting college? Check. Husband retiring from the military (finally!)? Check. Husband starting new job and doctoral program. Check and check.

Whoops, seems like I forgot about someone in all the chaos of the past year. I started the journey to become a teacher and decided against it. I thought my BS was done only to find out I had four credits to go. I was trying to enjoy the empty nest when my back when out in a way that can only be described as "spectacular." You know it's not good when your doctors think your case is "interesting."

So I've been slowed down. Literally sent back to the crawling stage at first, then floating, then walking; I quite literally evolved in my physical being once again. Now comes the main event; Trying to figure out what is next, with a capital "N". Next. Which I thought I was done with last year. Isn't there a map around here somewhere? No. No, there is not.

I'm slogging through these last four credits on-line. I'm paddling around the gym pool. I'm trying to get my mind to settle, to rest but it's just a constant, "what's next? where are we going? are we close?" up there.

How do you get comfortable with discomfort? Damned if I know.

Asking, Telling, Waiting

Today a two-day hearing begins on the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I wish I could say I feel confident that it will be repealed because that is how it should be. Not only public opinion, but opinion within the military shows a majority favor the repeal yet I fear we are going to be held hostage, yet again, to the far right.

As a military spouse of 22 years and the mother of a son who is gay, I feel especially tied up in this issue. It's absolutely heart wrenching to know that there are thousands of spouses out there who cannot be public about their relationship with a service member. It's hard enough with a support system. To have to do it alone? I cannot imagine. To know that it is the policy of this country that my son is not fit to serve if he chose to? Infuriating, to put it mildly.

I try to remember what my son tells me when I start getting worked up, "Mom, It's just a matter of time. The old men who are controlling this issue are going to die and the next generation will make it right."

Maybe the right thing will happen today, maybe DADT will be repealed tomorrow. I'll watch and wait with guarded hope.

Not from Here but this is Home

I left for Parents Weekend 27 days ago and today I am home! What was supposed to be a fun, four day quick trip to Boston turned into a medical crisis and then a three week recovery at my sister's home in western Massachusetts.

Words fail me when I try to describe how kind and helpful my sister, her husband, my niece, nephew and our parents were over those three weeks. They ferried me around to endless doctors appointments and PT sessions in a heated pool, fed me one delicious meal after another, kept my spirits up and basically made me feel like they had been hoping I would show up unannounced and helpless. As much as I wanted to return home, it was difficult to leave.

Now I am home and it is wonderful! Mr Fresh Hell, Texas has the house perfectly clean, there is not one thing for me to do. Now I have to hook-up with my local doctors and get back into the rhythm of home. Then I have to find a job! Many adventures ahead of me and I'm so glad to be having them at home.

Little Littles

That's what we call babies who have just become mobile and verbal. Not quite toddlers, not quite babies anymore. Little littles.

Today at the Y I happen to see a mother trying to walk her LL past the pool. LL pointed longingly at the pool and said, "ooooooooooool." Her mother explained that pool time was tomorrow and today they were going to tumbling. Wasn't that exciting? Pool tomorrow and tumbling today? To which our Little Little plopped down, flicked off one of her shoes clearly getting ready to put on her swim gear and said the most perfect, sweetest, softest, "No. oooooooooooool."

Little Littles are some of my very favorite people. They tell it like it is in such a lovely way.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Get Me Started

Until a month ago, I was part of an active duty military family and had been for over two decades. Although we are a retired military family now (wow, that went fast!), I found this from an NY article to be completely unsurprising:

..a not-yet-released Pentagon survey of active-duty forces and their families shows that the majority do not care if gay men and women serve openly, which the policy forbids...

I have no idea what the average civilian believes the average military family member thinks about all day. When women were first being placed in combat positions, a lot of civilians assumed those of us married to men in the military were spending a lot of time fretting about infidelity (because, as every knows, infidelity can only happen on a military ship, base or in combat.) Lately it's been speculated that we've been worried about The Gays and the possibility that they would destroy unit cohesiveness; not to mention buy out all the MAC cosmetics at the Exchange. Holla, girlfriend, but do not hog all the glitter!

I can tell you what I often thought of, what my friends think of...we'd like to see our active duty loved one again; alive, whole and as we sent them off. Or at least just see them again because injuries can be managed but death is final. So, yes, that's it, we'd just to see them alive again.

There is no way they are going to make it for all (most) of the holidays, so we stopped thinking about that years ago. It would be so nice for them to see their baby born or have more time with the baby they gave birth too but that's often just not reality. We attend funerals on our spouses behalf, knowing they've got to grieve in brief times of true rest.

We also pay the bills, work for pay, raise our kids, keep the household going and maintain a marriage across time and combat. I challenge someone who truly believes that we are spending our time thinking about how The Gays are just going to ruin everything to do what we do for one year. Just one year, not one decade or two, then you get back to me with how much free time you had to think about that kind of nonsense.

I know my loved ones are the best and brightest. We want them to serve with the best and brightest as well. I wonder why it's okay to exclude someone because they are gay with the mountains of evidence of honorable service by those who served closeted. I do think about that.

Most of all, we think about seeing them alive. Please. Just one more time.